SEEEEXXX PLEASE
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
