The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
