At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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