You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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