She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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