Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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