i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
