Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
