he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
