I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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