the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
420 ftw
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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