Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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