Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
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This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I would ride that face into the sunset
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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