Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
