I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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