I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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