I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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