I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
