I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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