Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
