I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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