Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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