btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
