u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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