The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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