Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
