i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
