I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
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I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
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I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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