You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
