is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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