I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
