i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
