If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
