Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
