I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
