You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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