Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
