Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
