How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
