So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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