the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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