the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
