Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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