I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
