Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize