ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
