i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
