somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
