If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
