Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
