my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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