No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
