She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
