So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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