Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
