You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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