hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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