She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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