my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
